When the doctor told me Sonia looked small on the ultrasound, I didn’t worry at all.  This meant nothing to me until about 5 minutes later when I was told to go straight to labor and delivery because they were going to induce me right away.  From the ultrasound, it seemed she hadn’t grown enough over the past week and they were worried.  As a child with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS), they weren’t going to take chances.

Considering her condition, they gave me an epidural right away and began the induction.  I think Jason went back to his Dad’s place to gather our bags while the nurses plugged me in.  The rest of the day was pleasant.  I didn’t feel a thing for most of it, and Jason and I were able to spend time together.  He laughed at the sight of me checking email while in labor.  My biggest discomfort was hunger, as they wouldn’t let me eat until she was born.

After so many months of extreme worry that Sonia would even live to see her birthday, we were excited to know she was alive and kicking and on her way.  I remember feeling a little pain as we watched The Daily show, one of our favorites.  When the nurse came to check on me, she was surprised to find I was at a 10 and ready to push.  I smile to remember how I wondered if the pushing couldn’t wait because it was a particularly good episode.

Considering the hours it took to birth Faye, Sonia was a breeze.  It took maybe 5 minutes, tops.  And then she was there.  And they put her on my chest and let me see her.  We had been warned that she may be disfigured, that she may not look “normal”.  So to see this big beautiful crying baby was more than a relief.  We were so thrilled.  So happy.  It was quite a day.  So many fears relieved, but so many still on the horizon.

After a few minutes of cuddling, Sonia was swept away to the children’s hospital next door and hooked up to all of her leads and wires.  We were told we couldn’t go over until the feeling came back to my legs.  I remember Jason helping me shake them so they would get feeling back.

Finally, we were allowed to go over.  By this time it was probably after midnight and we were so exhausted.  Even yet, nothing could have taken us away from our sweet girl.  The bitter feeling came when she started to cry.  My instinct was to hug or pick up my bundle, but the nurses told me no.  They had connected lines through her umbilical cord and into her deep veins, and pulling those lines was too dangerous of a risk.  She showed us how to soothe our baby without touching her too much.  Rubbing her shoulders and legs and patting her bottom.  It was bitter, but it was sweet too because she was finally here.  Alive and in plain sight after months of wondering if we would ever see that day.  We were so so so happy to finally meet our baby girl.

By the first anniversary of this day, Sonia had been gone 8 months. I had friends with babies her age who were having first birthday parties and I felt compelled to do the same.  I remember asking around if people thought it would be weird to have a party to mark the occasion.  Most of my friends thought this seemed weird, so I put that idea away.

Now, 4 years later, I am still unsure of how to celebrate my Sonia on her birthday.  I don’t want it to be a solemn day.  Faye actually had the best idea this year and said we should have a cake.  She said it should be a red heart shaped cake with pink frosting.  I don’t yet know what else we will do tomorrow, on Sonia’s birthday, but I know it will be a good day.  I’ll look at the album I made for her first birthday and we will all try to think about her.  Even Gavin will tell you about “sister Sonia” and how she is in heaven.

For my friends who have gone through this, what do you do to celebrate or commemorate the birthday of a lost child?

The goal of the site is to keep family and friends in touch and up to date on all of our adventures (in other words, reduce the amount of angry emails and phone calls about why we never send any photos of our kids). We’ll still be able to do that, while also making it harder for random people we meet from learning every little detail about our lives for the past 10+ years. If you are really that hard core of a Rubin fan, just come visit us. It’s a lot easier and a lot less creepy.

The one exception to this is Sonia’s story. While the posts about her are filled with emotion and somewhat personal experiences, Shannon and I both feel it is more important to share her story with the world.

So enjoy the new look and the new features (like the video page) and feel free to comment any time. We love to hear from family and friends.

If I can say one thing about my experience running the USA Fit Marathon in Sugarland, Texas on January 29th, it is that I did what I set out to do. I spent five plus hours catching up with Caitlyn, one of my best friends, I ran for the better part of 26.2 miles, and I got back to my pre-preggo weight along the way. Check, check, and check. But still, there were a few things that didn’t meet my expectations.

For starters, my last marathon was one of the biggest days of my life – right up there with naturally birthing my daughter Evelyn. The Marine Corps Marathon was more than just 26.2 miles.  It was the mob of over 20,000 other runners surrounding me throughout the entire race. It was the shared pain and triumph with that many people, many of whom had pictures of people they were running for on the backs of their shirts. It was marines at every water station looking at us in awe of our efforts. It was the crowds excitedly cheering us on at every corner. It was running with Ryan and Caitlyn – the person who inspired me and encouraged me to start running marathons in the first place. And of course it was the scenery as we wove through all of the major sites in DC. It was pretty freaking amazing.

The USA Fit Marathon, in comparison, felt more like just 26.2 miles. There were only 128 marathon runners along with about 1,250 half marathon and 5K runners. We felt like part of a race for about 13.1 miles and then suddenly it was just me and Caitlyn. It was a very weird feeling – especially since the turn around to start the second 13.1 mile loop was literally feet from the finish line. With maybe one or two other runners in our view at any point in the second loop, and because we were basically running through some large neighborhoods, it felt a bit like just another long run.

The big let down was an ill timed stomach ache around mile 16 that lead me to stop consuming calories and eventually lead me to stop and walk around mile 20. I made the rookie mistake of changing my diet during the race from what I had trained with. Instead of drinking water along the way, I drank gatorade. This upset my stomach and led me to stop consuming calories. Around mile 20, 8 miles after I stopped eating my energy shots, I started to feel really sick.

The true test of a marathoner’s resolve is an injury along the way. For Caitlyn, I think it was her knees. For me, it was the stomach ache and nausea that got worse around mile 20 and continued through the end. We walked for a good part of miles 20-22. Then our resolve kicked in. I told her my stomach wasn’t going to get better and quitting was never on the table for either of us. So we decided to just suck it up and run. We were both hurting, and I was using all of my mental techniques not to think about my stomach. We just ran.

And then we were done. The finish line seemed almost abandoned except for a few steadfast volunteers and my loving family. Caitlyn’s family was out on a lunch run and found us a few minutes later. I cried, we hugged, and then it was over. Even the “after party” area was mostly abandoned. We were bursting with pride, thrilled to have overcome adversity and run through pain, but more than a little underwhelmed by the finish line experience.

Personally, I was also more than a little disappointed in our time. Going in, I was hoping to finish between 5 and 5 1/2 hours. I ran a half marathon in November in 2:33 and felt confident I could keep up this pace for a whole race. Our half time during this race was 2:37 and by mile 15 I was confident we would finish between 5 and 5:30 hours. Caitlyn never once complained about having to walk for me, or even considered pushing me to run when I could not. But I do wish I hadn’t been the reason we finished almost 30 minutes slower than we had hoped.

Regrets aside, our weekend in Texas was overall a great time. We ran, we spent quality time with our families, and we had fun. I got such a kick out of seeing our “big” kids having so much fun hanging out with one another.  The last time we lived in the same state, Faye was 2 and Caitlyn’s son was only a baby. Now, even Gavin and her second child are old enough to hold hands, giggle and play together. It is a beautiful sight.

All things considered, I have so much to be thankful for.  I am thankful for a body that can run 26.2 miles in under 6 hours. I am thankful for an amazing husband who supports me in any way he can along the way. I am thankful for the Kano’s, who we can come back to after years apart and pick up right where we left off. And I am grateful for so many friends and family who gave me their love and support before and after the race. To all of you, I give my thanks.

Ingredients:

½ bag Egg Noodles

½ cup Onion, chopped small

2 cloves garlic, minced (chopped very small)

1 Carrot, peeled and chopped small

1 Tbsp Olive Oil

½ cup Frozen Pees Or Soy Beans

1 Tbsp Butter

1 Tbsp Flour

1 cup Milk

1 can Solid White Tuna, drained and broken up with fork

½ cup Sour Cream

1 cup shredded Cheddar

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350.  Spray a 9×9 casserole dish with Pam or other cooking spray.

Cook ½ bag egg noodles according to package directions.

Saute onion, garlic, and carrot in olive oil until carrots are soft.  Take out and set aside.

Steam pees or soy beans according to the package directions.

Melt butter in a frying pan.  Add flour and stir for a minute or two over med-low heat until mixture turns beige – don’t rush it.  Slowly add ½ cup milk and stir until well mixed.  Add another ½ cup and bring to low boil while continuing to mix.  When this mixture is thick, add a little salt & pepper, tuna, soy beans/pees and carrot mixture.  Turn the heat off and continue to mix well.

Fold in the noodles with a spatula and then add the sour cream and ½ cup of cheddar.  Spread out in prepared 9×9 dish and then sprinkle with the rest of the cheese.

Bake at 350 for 20 min until cheese is melted and casserole has come together.

While he doesn’t officially turn three until the 19th, we had Gavin’s birthday celebration this past Sunday. Nothing too extravagant, just some friends over at the park and some treats back at the house. In fact, as I looked at last year’s album, it looks like a carbon copy (except everyone is a little bigger). Speaking of which, this year’s photos are all HERE.

This boy is really something else. He is a little conversationalist, mostly on subjects he learns to repeat from his big sister. He absolutely, positively has to do everything for himself, even if he lacks the understanding or skillset of the task at hand. He is an adventurer and a daredevil and has the bruises and lumps to prove it. Thankfully his wounds are always cured by a quick kiss from mom or dad. He excels at everything he does, including gymnastics and basketball. If that weren’t enough, he’s just the cutest little boy you have ever seen. I mean really! Even when he whines and complains (which is not a rare occurrence these days) he just looks so darn sweet while he’s doing it.

This is just one example of a Christmas experience that made me feel isolated, left out, and awkward. From cashiers asking what Santa was going to bring me, to public school teachers who were obviously put out by my mom’s requests for less religious activities.  Christmas time always made me feel like an outsider in my own community.

This may explain why I felt so overprotective this year as Faye approached her first “Holiday Season” in public school.  I wanted to protect her and keep her from developing such negative feelings about Christmas.  I also wanted to make sure the other adults in her life were sensitive to her in this time.

With my defenses up, I received an email from the school room mom about the upcoming “Holiday” party.  Although the email did not contain the word “Christmas”, it was filled with thoughts about the red and green cupcakes, ornament decorating, and other Christmas themed activities she had planned for the occasion.

Later that week, following my Chanukah explanation to her class, I gave Faye’s teacher a Chanukah movie to show during their daily quiet time.  He was very thankful and told me he would be happy to show it.

So the next day, when Faye broke into tears telling me her teacher showed The Grinch instead, I was livid.  He had already shown two days worth of Christmas programming, and Faye had been looking forward to sharing a Chanukah movie with her friends.

For me, these two events felt like music class all over again.  More adults overlooking the non-Christian kids and assuming every child wanted to celebrate Christmas.  I was determined to make both of them more sensitive to the needs of my daughter and kids like her.

Starting with the room mom, I sent an email explaining why Faye would not be comfortable participating in a Christmas party.  This went very well, and she was more than generous with her response.  She added a variety of cupcakes colors to the menu and agreed to include crafts other than ornament making to her list.

My next email was to Faye’s teacher.  I started by expressing my overall disappointment in the celebration of Christmas in school and tried to explain how hard this is on Jewish kids.  I’ll admit, he was getting a few years (read: decades) worth of pent up Christmas frustration, and the email was both long and angry.  Thankfully, I put that email aside for a few hours until I could discuss it with Jason.

This is when the issue really started to change for me.  Jason asked what I hoped to accomplish with my email.  Did I think the entire school was going to stop celebrating Christmas because it was hard on our child?  Were strangers going to stop wishing her a Merry Christmas at every turn?  How big of an impact could her teacher make?

Put that way, I realized I was putting a lot of pressure on this teacher to change a culture he had no control over.  With that in mind, I deleted my original email and simply asked him to consider showing the Chanukah movie before the end of the week.  He quickly replied that he would be happy to show our movie.

The experience that had the biggest impact on me was volunteering at the “Holiday” Party in Faye’s classroom. To my surprise, both the teacher and the other parents were genuinely committed to making the party comfortable for everyone. There were a variety of non-Christmas related crafts, and even a Chanukah bingo game.  When Faye came upon a table with a Christmas ornament craft, another mother simply suggested she make it as a gift for a friend.  Problem solved.

These experiences of Christmas in the public school over the past two weeks have really changed my perspective on the matter. For all of my worrying and defending, I found most of the people I spoke with to be accommodating. While I would prefer the public schools not be filled to the brim with Christmas, I no longer fear for the affect this will have on my children.

It is not my job to change how Christmas celebrations affect my children, but rather to instill in them a love for Judaism and for all of our holidays throughout the year.  With all of the Chanukah parties we have had/attended this year, I have no doubt they are feeling that love.

Enjoy this little masterpiece the kids and I put together using my snazzy new iPad app.

In case you missed it, our family dressed up as superheroes this year for Halloween. A big benefit of that is that the kids (and dad) get a superhero costume to wear whenever they feel like fighting crime. So it was during one of these crime-fighting sessions that I had the opportunity to conduct an interview with our superhero in hopes of exposing some of this top notch story telling I spoke of earlier. I’ll say it is not her best work, but you can still get an idea of the strange and bizarre things that this girl comes up with. Enjoy!

I wrote my first article about some of our past challenges around the high holidays as a military family in small Jewish communities. My second article is about my running adventures and how I find time for myself out there on the road.  I love being able to contribute to this magazine and also secretly love the idea of the possibility that Mayim Bialik might read my words.  She is, after all, on the staff of the magazine and a regular contributor.  The former Blossom actress is a religious Jewish mommy and currently co-staring on the show Big Bang Theory.  I am a big fan, both of her acting and her writing.

If you are not already reading Kveller, and are a Jewish parent, I highly recommend it.  One of my favorite Kveller moments was over Yom Kippur.  Looking through I saw an article on fasting from a mother of a small children.  Like me, she been pregnant or nursing for years and wasn’t planning on fasting this year.  On my first read, I agreed 100%.  But then I started to read the thoughtful comments and they really touched me.  Finally, Mayim Bialik wrote a related article on why she fasts even when she is nursing.  After all of this insightful conversation, I decided to fast and actually got a lot out of it.

I don’t know how often I will be writing, but I am excited to have this voice in the larger Jewish community.